


And I can't breathe without you (But I have to)

by miss_janey



Series: Alfajores de Dulce de Leche [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 05:59:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11098365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_janey/pseuds/miss_janey
Summary: It's been two weeks since Mon-El left the Earth, and Alex Danvers decides to check on her sister.





	And I can't breathe without you (But I have to)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, this is my first published fanfic. So, please, be gentle.  
> I've always been more the quiet reader type, too socially anxious to dare publish anything I wrote. But well... Supergirl and Karamel just gave me too many feels that I couldn't keep in anymore.  
> Fair warning, I wrote this in two hours while procrastinating my actual work, it's unbetaed and also, 'English is my second language.'  
> I hope you enjoy it and that it helps at least a small bit during this hiatus.

 

> _It's two A.M._  
>  _Feelin' like I just lost a friend._  
>  _Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me._  
>  **_Breathe by Taylor Swift_ **

* * *

 

The brunette walked into the apartment with slow hesitant steps as she tried to listen for any sign of life inside.

“Kara?” Alex asked, looking around at the stillness of the place. Nothing moved. Nothing had moved. Well, not since that day.

Not since Mon-El left.

Everything was exactly as they left it that day. His leather jacket still hanging on the back of a chair. His unfinished book on the coffee table right next to his fake ‘Mike’ glasses.

Everything was spotless and clean. Everything was the same.

Everything. Except her sister.

Kara Danvers, also known as Supergirl or Kara Zor-El, had been irrevocably changed.

She had loved. And lost. And now, Alex Danvers didn’t recognize the shell of a person her sister had become.

It was very subtle, but it was there. Her smiles felt forced and never reached her eyes. Those eyes didn’t sparkle anymore, not with mischief and amusement; love and adoration. The sparkle was gone. And so were the laughs.

Considering the seriousness of her job as Supergirl, her laughs were always few and far in between. A rare treasure. But now… They were completely nonexistent.

Alex didn’t want to admit it, but a part of her sister left with her mate. She’d lost a part of herself when that pod left the Earth’s orbit, and well… she didn’t know how to get it back.

She needed her sister back.

“Kara? Honey, are you okay?” Alex whispered as she walked towards the bed, where what could only be described as a human-like lump was lying.

Big round blue orbs looked emptily back at her. Tears shining and spilling out.

She had been crying again. And wearing his plaid shirt. Again.

“Hey, sweetie! Are you hungry?” She said soothingly, running her fingers through the blonde’s hair, “I can order some potstickers.”

“No, thank you,” Kara croaked. Her voice hoarse from disuse. “I don’t think I can stomach anything at the moment.”

“Are you sure?” Alex frowned. “It’s been a few days since I saw you eating anything.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” the heroine curtly replied. “I think I’m old enough to know when I feel hunger or not. I do not need you babysitting me. You can go home now and be with your fiancée,” she finally said as she turned around in bed, her back facing her older sister.

Alex knew her baby sister was hurting, but she just couldn’t stand it anymore. She wanted the old Kara back. The happy-go-lucky, smiley, ball of sunshine she used to be. Not this emo, angsty version of herself. 

She had had it. After two weeks of playing the good cop routine, she finally snapped. Maybe a little tough love was what Kara needed, after all.

“Dammit, Kara! Enough of this!” She raised her voice and walked around the bed, forcing her sister to look her in the eyes again. “I know is hard, but you cannot keep doing this! That’s enough! SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!!!”

The look Kara gave her could only be described as a deer caught in the headlights. If that deer were furious. Furious and with the ability to shoot killing lasers out of her eyes.

“Excuse me?” The Kryptonian asked incredulously, giving a humorless fake chuckle.

“I- I just-,” Alex stammered, backing up a little. “I just mean that- Well, it’s just… I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be. After all, I can just snap out of it,” she said rolling her eyes; she was sick of everyone belittling her pain. They didn’t know how much it hurt. Rao, it hurt like hell.

“See? That’s exactly what I mean. You’re not yourself,” the DEO Agent stated with a hint of desperation. “You don’t sleep. You don’t eat. You don’t talk, except for what’s barely necessary,” she continued on her rant, counting down each thing with a finger.

“You don’t smile or laugh anymore, not really. You work yourself out every day. When you’re not at CatCo, you’re out there Supergirling and it’s- It’s like you are just existing for the sake of existence, but you’re not really living, and it’s- It’s starting to get old, Kara. I’m worried for you.”

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m dealing with this as best as I can,” the alien clenched her teeth so hard, trying to contain the pure rage surging through her body – not directed at her sister per se, she was just so angry at the unfairness of the whole thing, “I’m sorry that I caused you to worry, but I can’t really help feeling this way, Alex. I’m sorry…” Kara looked out the window at the stars, trying to collect her thoughts; trying – and perhaps, failing – to put into words what she was feeling.

“It’s been seventeen days and four hours since I feel like I can’t breathe. It might as well had been Kryptonite filling the Earth’s atmosphere and not lead, because ever since…” She choked on her words as she tried to get them out evenly, “Ever since he left in that pod, I’ve felt this huge weight on my chest, like I’ve been hollowed out. I feel empty. And I can’t breathe. I- I… I. Cannot. Breathe!” She half whispered, half yelled, as she struggled to get each word out.

“It’s like he took all the oxygen with him. My lungs feel heavy. My heart feels heavy. Because I miss him. Every second I stand on this planet without him, I miss him! Everywhere I look, he’s there. At CatCo, I remember how he’d just drop by to bring me lunch and a kiss. At the DEO, I remember how we’d train together and talk and banter and smile. At the bar, I remember him pouring me a club soda and listening to anything and everything I had to say. And here? Do you know what it feels like to walk into this apartment and remember every detail? Every little thing he did for me? Like, how he left me cute messages in the bathroom mirror, or made breakfast in bed, or how he’d hug me tight and make me feel better if I had a bad day. You have no idea how awful it feels! You have no idea how much I loved him! How much I still do…” Kara hiccupped as violent sobs racked her entire body.

“You stand there and order me like a child to snap out of it, when the truth is…” She hissed a little letting out all her sadness and anger, “If it were you- If it had been Maggie, you wouldn’t have even left the bed. Be thankful I get up every morning; that I stand up and keep fighting. Maybe in time it will get better, but now, now it’s not okay. To answer your question, I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I will be, eventually. But not right now. So… If you want to be a good sister for me, just let me grief. Let me handle it. Trust me. Trust in me. Trust that I will get through it, and just, be there for me.”

Alex felt ashamed. Kara was right. Truth is, she didn’t give the relationship enough credit. She thought it was just a fling that her little sister would get over quickly. It was a mistake of her to judge their relationship without truly taking the time to understand the depths of their feelings. After all of her yelling disappointedly at Mon-El for not listening to Kara, she wasn’t exactly taking her own advice. She messed up. She knew it.

“You’re right. I apologize,” Alex responded after a few moments, when it looked like Kara was done talking. “I shouldn’t have disregarded your feelings, I should’ve tried to be more understanding. I guess- I was just so worried and scared for you, that I tried to punch my way out as usual, when it doesn’t actually work that way. Not this.”

“Thank you, Alex,” she nodded, acknowledging the sentiment.

“When you’re ready to talk, or anything, I’m here, okay? Whatever you need. I’m just a phone call away. I’m here for you,” she said hugging her sister lightly.

“I know. That’s all I need for now,” Kara said, finally reaching to grab her sister’s hand.

But even that small action reminded her of him, how tightly she could hold his hand without fear of breaking his fingers. How strong his arms felt wrapped around her shoulders, and how she could hug him back with all her might, not having to hold back at all. How she could truly be herself around him, fully, embrace her alien side – her true side – without being scared of hurting him or worse. 

All that time, desperately wanting to feel normal again. She had that with Mon-El. It all came so easy with him. She didn’t feel like a freak or an impostor around him. She was just Kara Zor-El of Krypton. Not hiding behind her heroine persona or her human persona.

That’s what no one understood. No one would ever understand. Having to pretend to be someone else in every aspect of your life. It was tiring.

Mon-El of Daxam, with all of his flaws and mistakes, was perfect for her. They fit in. They belonged. With anyone else she would always try so hard to make it work, for it to feel right; and it never did. 

She finally found her perfect match, just to lose him again.

It was so unfair. 

Kara didn’t even realize when her sister had let go of her hand. She couldn’t even feel it.

“It will be okay. I’ll be okay,” she finally muttered. She didn’t even know if that was a lie or not. 

Alex decided it was better not to mention the small crinkle making an appearance in her sister’s forehead. 

_-The End-_


End file.
